Facade
by sirensoundwave
Summary: His greatest prank? Convincing certain individuals they have all the control. When they've got about as much of it as a bull rider has on the bronco beneath him. Not one bit. But is a joke really a joke when no one gets to hear the punchline?
1. Facade

Hey, another plot bunny that burrowed outta the farm fence...

If you'd read my writing before, you know I am fond of introducing my concept of Guardians and Chaos Mages to various fandoms (so far Danny Phantom, Young Justice, Once Upon a Time). This is a teaser the same was "A Mother's Love" is for "Parallels" and "Evil Angel" is for "Once Upon a Time in Everlie" if I decide to come back to the idea. Haven't seen this show in a while... I might do more with this once one of my other Chaos Mage stories is through. Or before...I sorta suck at sticking to just one story but once I commit to an idea I will not abandon it, so this counts as a noncommittal story. It was inspired after finding some really awesome fanfics on fanfic. gargoyles - fans. org. I LOVES me some Puck so he's a major character- but still true to his non conformist style n_n. Still, if you've read my stuff, you know I like to incorporate comedy but a lot of what I write is kinda angsty but this isn't that bad.

Anyhoo, the song Facade is by Disturbed. There's a clue...

Onward!

Tap. Tap. Tap.

One handed typing was not efficient at all.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Owen had come to such a realization not long after the cauldron incident. The closer the clock on the wall got to 2 am, the closer together the q and a keys got to each other on the keyboard. Removing his glasses, the stoic majordomo let out an uncharacteristic groan.

Everything about him had been uncharacteristic for sometime.

David was beginning to give him looks, when he was on the clock. Looks that clearly said 'I know you like the back of my hand...what's wrong?'

It did not help that the after negotiations with some rather unsavory members of society a week prior went south, he sorta...flipped out. No magic though. Just one rather unassuming personal assistant. Beating the holy hell out of 8 professional thugs and their boss . With his fists.

Granted, one of those fists was magically enhanced stone. Nevertheless getting blood out of an Armani suit is possible but raises too many questions with the dry cleaner. Especially if the dark purple suit jacket you give them is supposed to be blue. So he threw the whole outfit, shoes and all, away. It had too many rips. You can't buff teeth marks out of leather anyhow.

Bottom line: Both Puck and Owen Burnett were loosing it, fast.

Realistically, there was nothing preventing him from ditching his wooden alterego. Or his bargain with Xanatos all together. One could argue the whole decree and banishment thing. To which he'd respond: Oberon is a self-deluded megalomaniac.

But not for the reasons many would assume.

Oh no. The Puck has played many a role not only because it is fun but inspires complacency. Assures the sheeple keep their heads held too high to bother looking where they where they are being led.

He couldn't understand what the appeal was to sitting on a throne and lording over minions. It's so...damn...boring when everyone is too afraid of pissing you off to do anything remotely interesting. No one acts natural, they all stand on ceromony like obedient little dolls.

Fuck that noise.

Eons ago he gave up that post and let someone who wanted to deal with that headache take it up...Oberon and Titania. Oh yes, his greatest trick happens to be the illusion of control. The fae king was dense as a brick when considering anything could possibly be beyond his sphere of influence. Though his queen, not so much.

He suspected the Lady of Avalon to have some idea of the jester's true nature, just no where near the true scope of things. At least that the impish trickster was far more powerful than he appeared. Her behavior a year prior at the Gathering fiasco certainly suggested she did not want him angry at her husband. Oh, her discreet, crafty manipulations did him so proud! Why wasn't her brother more like her? Oberon was as subtle as a hammer to the skull with his machinations. Yes, brother. Though only in the sense that they were given form and subsequently life by the same creator. No other relation. And no, THAT bit he knew Titania had not worked out.

Still, it was better this way. He wasn't about to tear out his gorgeous hair from dealing with bullshit. The little big man got to play king of the castle. Unless you know who's head started to get a little too big, he was content at his 'station'. After all, the Mighty Lord of Avalon hadn't a clue he was merely an emissary.

What irony...especially since went all was said and done, Puck had trapped himself in his own prison. Driving himself crazy.

"Unc! Unc!"

By his feet sat another reason for his continued charade; reaching up, clearly wanting off the floor. When did he crawl in here? Did Fox know Alex wasn't in his bed? More than likely no...

Frustrated by seemingly being ignored, the quarter fae vanished in a shower of green sparkles only to reappear in his teacher's lap with the same dislpay. Looking quite proud of himself, the small boy proceeded to bang his little hands on the keyboard with gleeful abandon. There goes the report he'd been working on...

"Unc!" Alex shouted to gain his attention again. He looked upset not being the center of attention. There's a trait he got from both sides of his heritage. Despite his age, the Xanatos heir was very intelligent. His young underdeveloped body unfortunately only allowed him to do so much unless he borrowed another means. Be it a body, or toy, or...a sly smile graced Owen's face as he allowed himself to transform.

"Heya kiddo. You really don't have to call me uncle ya know."

A squeal answered his statement. Followed by the light tapping of keys, depressing seemingly on their own. The monitor showing just how brilliant he was.

/Okay, Grandpa Puck/

"Oh, that's my boy!"

The thing about making your own prison, you always have the keys. But sometimes you need a good enough reason to use them. Making sure his youngest descendant didn't have to deal with the same clusterfuck he ran away from himself seemed as good as any. Besides, a trick isn't truly a trick until revealed right?

This would be fun.

*tbc?*


	2. Thunk

No song, just a self explanatory sound effect. Puck has always had a weakness for the self made man. Naturally he can't resist revealing himself to David a second time.

Get your minds outta the gutter ya perves...

David Xanatos had been wondering just what was up with his assistant. It wasn't like him in either persona to resort to violence. Still, the 3 comatose and 5 crippled wise guys plus their now mute (a crushed windpipe can do that) boss were glaring examples of the possibility. Just another reason he took great relief in knowing the disguised fae was on his side above all others. Including his rightful Lord.

So when asked to meet in his office to discuss the situation, he tried not to appear over anxious.

"Sir, if I told you that a much more formidable force of nature existed, one that created this world and all in it, including the three races what do you say to that?"

"Have you been listening to the lunatics spouting off about the end of days or some other such nonsense in the streets Owen? Or are you trying to tell me I might have to worry about something other than the Lord of Avalon endangering my family?" The sun vanished slowly behind the glass and steel that was the Manhattan horizon. In a few minutes, it would be raining stone fragments past this very window... "Because of the the two, Murphy's Law favors the latter."

"Endangering this household? No. But this entity does surpass your stepfather in law in might. Though I would think it quite obvious said entity clearly favors you and yours." Cool as ever, only a single eyebrow raised.

"If that's true, and there is a higher power willing to let the likes of Oberon trounce about unchecked, allow someone like me to do as I please with little repercussion, and drag the populous at large through such turmoil, then I must conclude that God has a rather warped sense of humor." Xanatos frowned. As he peered out over the bustling city's skyline, he caught his assistant's wry smile reflecting in the window. The timing of the expression served to deepened that frown.

"Well if that is how you truly feel, I am unsure if I should be offended by the slight or accepting of the complement." His shoulders shrugged. "Did you never wonder why things always seemed to turn out well for you, even in defeat sir?"

"Always chalked it up to luck. Never was a very religious man. But religion isn't what you're talking about, now is it?"

"No it isn't. Humans and other high functioning beings construct such concepts to explain what they cannot. An attempt to bring some order to their world when in fact there is no such animal." Owen walked to stand beside his boss. Straightening his tie, he continued to speak. "Chaos is the only true order as it were. Without change, there is no dynamic, no drive and the universe stagnates. Grinding to an anticlimactic halt."

Thunk.

Owen turned to see David's forehead now resting on the cool glass. His eyes closed, jaw locked. Without a word, he lifted his head, and repeated the action.

Thunk.

"Should I continue or have you pieced it together?" Humor quite clear in the tone.

"I think get it. Though just what I've managed to get myself into eludes me at the moment." David sighed.

"At least you recognize all of your choices have been your own, despite my direction of events." 'Owen' seemed to fade out. A new person faded into his place.

The hair, eyes and ears were that of Puck. Yet he remained Xanatos' height. The build was also rather lithe, swathed in several layers of white silk resembling a toga. A train of fabric trailing behind. For all anyone might be able to discern right now, a lovely woman stood beside him. Ignoring the flat chest that is.

"So...you just wind us up and watch us go for your entertainment?" Clearly angry, David had yet to open his eyes again. His sagging shoulders and limp arms all signs of a defeated man.

"While often amusing, the answer to that question is complex. I have and I haven't. You have no need to act like a kicked puppy. Think of it this way, many of the players in this little show possess very astute designations. After all, I never lied when you asked me my true name."

*tbc?*

Shameless self promotion: Check out Once Upon a Time in Everlie, a fic I had stopped momentarily to work on run away plot bunnies. These writings really helped me explore my subplot organization and renew my muse. Let me know whatcha think.

I couldn't resist having Xanatos' reaction as part of this teaser. As for the name thing, I'll let you all ruminate on that with these clues:

David: m. Hebrew, dear or loved one

Goliath: f. Hebrew, literally from the verb to uncover; can be interpreted as discovery or removal of sensory obstruction

Eliza: f Hebrew, abbreviation of Elizabeth, either oath of god or joyful

Janine (Fox's real name): f. Ancient English, God is gracious

Alexander: m. Hebrew, defender of man

Derek: m. Old German, leader or ruler of the people

Anastasia: f. Greek, resurrection or reborn

Titania: f. Latin and/or Greek, of the titans; land of the titans/giants, mighty

Oberon: m. Old German, bear-like ruler

Owen: m. Celtic/Welsh , young warrior or well born

Puck: m./f. (unknown, possibly Celtic or Germanic), assumed to mean mischievous

I don't know if these were purposely chosen or random but it's something I noticed. Cuz I'm a god damned nerd.

Nyah.

Reviews are like hugs. Sirensoundwave out.


	3. Worst Laid Plans

Worst Laid Plans...

Or Not Quite 30 Stories High But Breathing Fire Just The Same

Sup. This is gonna be a bit...odd. I have decided to meld ALL my Reality of Chaos fics together. But this will be most evident in the stories Facade, Hands Off, Megalomaniac and Idiotproof. Whazzhat mean? Well right now only Idiotproof has a definite plot. The other three are kinda side story drabble and two shot dumps. You guys already know Hands Off and Idiotproof take place at the same time. Then I realized it could be fun (or a trainwreck...) to add in my other mages that as they relate to the current clusterfuck in the Harry Potter reality. Especially in explaining how this shit happened in the first place. So these chapters will be called Intersections #? And posted in all 4.

Again anything you need to know about the fandoms used will be explained in chapter or in endnotes. All I'm doing is turning up the crack level. There's no spoilers for those fics here either; just the assumption every Chaos knows who and what they are. Also random cameos from other fandoms will appear from time to time.

Here we go!

*I#1*

"I should just like to say you're all dead men walking." Green eyes rolled.

"That's big talk coming from you zombie 't tell me you've been domesticated." A brunette munched on a Twizzler. "Where's the wild n crazy little bastard we know and love?"

"Oh come on. You're just as bored as we are." A blonde chuckled. "And about as powerful. Just without as many...restrictions on you."

"But he isn't as brain dead as you lot." Another blonde glared from beside green eyes. "I don't know the Lady Sun very well or her match. But the Lord Moon isn't the type to see fucking with his family as a harmless prank. Whatever the 'positives'."

"I'm inclined to agree with them. They maybe the youngest of us but Peter and Felix seem infinitely wiser than their elders at the moment." A smooth voice drawled. A black brow above crimson eyes quirked in derision.

"Hush Oidiche." The only female in the room scoffed. "Do you not see the benefits as well as the entertainment value here?"

"Yeah, listen to sexy in green." The candy eater giggled earning a glare from her.

"Circumstances might have made us different than most second tier mages but our creator can wink us out of existence just the same. We are not risking our lives or Henry's for the sake of amusement. Later losers." With a swirl of shadow, the young pair vanished.

"Hmph. You gonna be a party pooper too Big O?" Another Twizzler was shoved in the brunette's mouth.

"I have no intention of aiding or hindering this endeavor Gabriel. Merely observe. And yes Titania I do understand the possible benefits. However the risk isn't quite as worthwhile as you may think in my opinion." Red eyes lazily surveyed his companions. "I am quite familiar with Sylphine, Jasmine, Castor, Pollux and Artemis at least. And how terrifying they can be when properly motivated. So, when asked, I will give them what information I have."

"You're scared of two second tier mages?" The remaining blonde asked, leaning in curiously. "Enough so to play tattle tale?"

"Of course not Okuninushi. I have no shame in admitting my wariness lies in several enraged parents whose combined might would be more than enough to scatter me to the ether."

"The cost of allowing this shadow world to further fragment could cause a tear. One that cannot be closed thus jeopardizing us all. This so call 'Dark Lord' will be the end of his reality and others if we leave things be. You cannot deny this course of action is the best way to establish ones powerful enough to prevent that." Titania spoke again.

"There you go again. It's a means to an end but hardly the best one. As I said count me out. I am far more concerned with what THEY will do to me than you all. Good day Lady and Gentlemen."

With a flash of pink, 4 became 3. Three meddling chaos mages. None really with a dark affinity in the traditional sense (as Peter and Felix had) yet known in their realities as masters of trickery and subterfuge. Old hands at getting what they wanted, when they wanted and screwing with people in the process as an entertaining bonus. It just so happens this time their scheme was mutually beneficial to them and their, um, targets.

There's no way this could blow up in their faces.

*I#1*

Gathered together after many mysterious resurrections and other developments, the main powers of Seireitei, Hueco Mundo and the Ningenkai sat down to finally get some straight answers from the revealed Soul King.

"Sylphine, what a pleasant surprise!" The 'humble' shopkeeper said out of the blue. A white paper fan snapped open to try and hide it's owner's nervousness.

Everyone sort of looked at each other after the declaration. Confused until...

"ELECTRIC ZEPHYR!"

The man formerly known as Urahara Kisuke went flying out of the soutaichou's meeting room propelled by a wave of electricity via a new hole in the wall. In the destruction's wake stood a girl Rukia's height. Light brown skin, long black box braids with a single gold butterfly bead on each end. Smoldering aureate eyes glowing. She was huffing raggedly with unabashed anger. After a calming breath, she stepped through the hole after him with the heads of the 13 as well as several guests gaping and on high alert. Well most of them. Several present knew this stranger very well; also that getting in her way might not be so swift at the moment..

And Okuninushi probably deserved whatever she dished out. One of his siblings didn't so much care if he did as was thrilled it was happening.

"Maa, maa, calm down everyone. That's Sylphy-chan! Ain't she a doll? I get the feelin it best not to draw her attention away from her current focus though." Gin Ichimaru, now revealed as Izanagimi waved it off.

"WHERE IS MY SON?!" She screeched.

"Yep. Introductions should prolly wait a bit." He smiled with genuine cheer.

"...that girl blind sided Urahara." Soutaichou swallowed uneasily. "None of us sensed her until she struck." /Just how powerful are these beings?!/

Outside their reality's resident trickster picked himself up in time to narrowly avoid the sharp edge of a tessen swipe. He parried it's twin with Benihime. Electricity sparking with contact.

"Picture this. One minute, I'm singing to my sweet little jewel as he lay down to sleep. The next he vanishes not of his own volition. Across our bond I feel my match do the same. Cas is a big boy, not worried. My baby is my first concern."

"Always with that sparkling personality Now why would I know where darling little Bakaret is?" With a push, he forced her back aways.

"Wrong answer dipshit!" She charged, both tessen sparking like an overloading transformer.

"Geh! Shibari, Benihime!" With a hasty slash of his zanpakuto, a net of black and red energy dropped from nowhere above her.

"Reversal of Fortune!" Sylphine called. As the net came down, the blonde found himself switching places with her and ensnared in his own attack. He forgot she could do that!

"Shit!" Dispelling it only gave her an opening to grab his neck and begin shaking him like a ragdoll. Affinity was she stronger than she looked...

"You're the portal expert. And Oidiche is too smart to lie to me, this was YOUR brainchild. So again, WHERE IS MY SON FUCKER?!"

"I (gack!) don't know what (gack!) you're (gack!) talking about!"

Back with the others...

"Is he serious right now?" Kira asked no one in particular. "He does know she could end him right? He's turning purple..."

"Oh, don't worry Kannon-koi. She needs answers first an ya know dead men tell no tales. Okun-chan just happens ta have once again outsmarted his-self." Gin grinned. Those who'd moved to attack (or rescue) found themselves held in place by an invisible force.

"Yeah. Outsmarted. That's what we'll call it." Ichigo snorted. "Sylphine is gonna pop that dumbass's head like a zit if he keeps it up."

"Who is that?" Rukia asked. She really didn't want to get closer to her friend. Why? It meant getting closer to Aizen, whose lap the orangette sat on. He'd been scary enough as a deluded megalomaniac with a god complex. The revelation of him being Enma, actual god of hell and married to his BROTHER Ichigo (or rather Kishi-Mojin) dialed up the creep factor.

Black clawed nails gingerly trailing along Ichigo's white clothed thigh; their owner unconcerned with the uneasy fleeting looks thrown his way. Right now he'd rather be ripping said cloth from his lover's body. Hell, he'd settle for just hiking up Kishi-Mojin's kimono so long as it meant making him scream his name in the throes of passion imstead of sitting here with people he doesn't give a shit about. Bend him over the nearest table and give these stuffy brats a show. As loathe as Kishi might be to admit it the fertility god did fancy exhibitionism...

For affinity sake! Even their father's first action had been to thoroughly debauch his favorite son before revealing anything! You would have to be blind, deaf and dumb not to notice the blonde's flushed and sweaty face; or that Kannon could barely stand much less walk on trembling legs when he did appear. Where else would he inherit such a um, healthy libido?

So unfair...

Well since big brother decided to cheat the test, he supposed he could settle for enjoying the tiny mage strangling him instead.

"That would be our cousin Sylphine. The Lady Sun, Wind Witch, Goddess of the Storm and a few other titles. Though falling quite short of thirty stories, she breathes fire in a no less terrifying manner when angered. Just call Okuninushi-niisama Tokyo." For the second time since their reawakening Fugen Bosatsu (Ulquiorra) made a joke. Now it was officially weirder. Not just because the emo-spada did so but cuz he did it with a deadpan voice.

Across the room Shinji started laughing hysterically. So much so that he wound up on the floor clutching his sides. The captains, lieutenants and espada just blinking at him. This was awkward enough. Then a few of his fellow Visored chuckled too. Ishida face palmed. Sado tried to pretend he hadn't heard but a small smile graced his lips.

"Hah! Dare ya ta say that to er face mopey." Kenpachi boomed heartily. "She'll rip yer balls off."

"What is so damn funny?! She's going to kill him and you're all laughing!" Youroichi frowned, worried for her friend. So what of he lied to her-

"It's a pop culture reference. Only those living in the human world for more than a few years got the joke. Sylphine is usually so sweet and bubbly but Bakaret is her world. She's scared enough for his sake to really maim nii-san but he won't die." Kisshōten (Orihime) assured confidently. The sound of an agonized gurgling not two seconds later caused her to flinch, some of that confidence to wane. "Probably...maybe."

Stark (Baku) simply snored through the whole ordeal. Despite the ruckus...and tiny Hoshikawa (Lilynette) kicking his sides.

"I (gack) yield!" A feeble gasp escaped his mouth. With barely any air in his lungs and black spots dancing before his eyes, the blonde realized the jig was up. Instantly she dropped him like a stone.

"Talk."

"He's back where he belongs, his native reality." Rubbing his neck Urahara blinked dumbly. "Hold on, Castor is missing too?"

"Already figured that much out and Cas can take care of himself. The problem is I can't open a gateway there. How do I get my son back?"

"You don't." Cue the air around them charging with static again. "Wait! I mean you don't the meanwhile he's perfectly safe. Thanks your loving care he is strong enough to act as a true agent of chaos there and stop it from causing a domino effect of destruction. But what do you mean Castor is missing? Only the natives...of...oops."

"Oops? OOPS?!"

"Um we may have made a boo boo? A slight miscalculation." He started to scoot away. "Turns out hat reality isn't quite as affinity deaf as we thought..."

He expected to be violently thrashed again. To have a dainty foot crush his nose or a small fist to bear down on his skull. Not have a gentle hand tilt his head up or a sweet voice speak calmly with an innocent smile. The hard as ice eyes weren't really a surprise. Nor the crushing grip on his chin.

"As in the royal 'we'...or other heads I need to knock in?"

*I#1*

Far removed from that circus, two eternal guardians were having coffee at a quaint Belgian sidewalk cafe. A bit of a ritual for them to meet this way; leaving doppelgangers at their posts while they enjoyed some downtime. Discussing matters transcending time and space. And how to avoid them.

"Pity something blocked such a plot from my all seeing eye." A man smartly dressed in a gold colored business suit spoke. After a sip of his latte he adjusted expensive sunshades which hid his pure white eyes well.

"Indeed. What a shame my staff cannot access those hidden events either." The green haired woman nodded brushing a few crumbs from her purple skirt. Not one person noticing her maroon eyes.

After a beat the dark skinned man set his mug down, steepled his hands and sat back in his chair.

"Plausible deniability is a wonderful thing isn't it Lady Pluto?"

"Oh yes Lord Heimdall." She held up a plate of gingerbread men. "You must try these cookies. The recipe's been in this family for centuries. Each generation is absolutely splendid at replicating it's perfection."

*I#1*

First, the joke Fugen made compares Sylphine's assault on Okuninushi to Godzilla destroying Tokyo by using the lyrics of the American cartoon from the 60's.

/Up from the depths

Thirty stories high

Breathing fire

His head in the sky...

Godzilla! Godzilla! Godzilla!/

In Idiotproof, Castor thinks to himself his dear match could be called Mamazilla when it comes to their son's well being. He does so after realizing he's been summoned to the same world as his missing child (though he doesn't quite realize it's not by the same group yet).

A guardian is the parent of their mages. But no one outside a reality is actually related. Guardians simply see each other as brothers and sisters and in turn mages refer to children of their 'aunts' and 'uncles' as their 'cousins'.

A match is the same as a spouse among Chaos Mages. Except divorce isn't a thing...because to match literally means to match souls.

Yep. That was Sailor Pluto of Sailor Moon and Heimdall from Marvel comics at the end. Two nearly omnipotent beings... who want no part in the impending shitstorm. Doing what they can not to be drug into it.

Parallels introduced Pollux/Kid Flash, Castor/Klarion the Witchboy (Sylphine's match) and Artemis. It is set in Young Justice.

At the initial meeting are Felix and Peter from Once Upon a Time. In my fics they are servants of their reality's dark mage Gabriel (Sylphine's twin brother), making them second tier mages. Usually such mages are less powerful than their masters but have more freedom to directly interact with the workings of their reality. Those two are a special case. Their fic is Once Upon a Time in Everlie.

The Gabriel present as a conspirator isn't him though. He's the candy loving archangel/trickster from Supernatural. I haven't written a story for that fandom but he is one of its Chaos Mages. He will probably only appear once in awhile or be mentioned as I have yet to establish any real rules for his reality.

Titania, queen of the Third Race comes from Gargoyles. In that world the Guardian is actually Puck. He got so bored being in charge he allowed his children Titania and Oberon to believe they were his masters just to be free to have fun. Still Titania suspected things weren't as simple as all that. Their fic is Facade.

The the red eyed one is actually Vlad Masters from Danny Phantom where Danny (Nikkou) is really his twin and Clockwork (Ebedi) the Guardian. His true name is Oidiche. While pretty twisted by his own admission, he isn't dumb. He knows this plan is ill fated from the jump, bailing immediately. His debut is in The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions, the first time we meet Sylphine. The Jasmine mentioned is Danny's sister.

The other blonde, Okuninushi is the alter ego of Urahara from Bleach. His father is Gin (Izanagimi) the real Soul King who set the anime/manga world's events in motion as a test of how his subjects would function if he stepped back a bit. They totally failed. His siblings are whom many Shinto Gods are based:

Kenpachi: Battle and war- Hachiman

Aizen: Death and destruction, vengeance- Enma

Ichigo: Life, birth, protection - Kishi-Mojin (traditionally female in myth)

Ulquiorra: Enlightening wisdom, intelligence, understanding, intuition, long life - Fugen Bosatsu

Stark: god of dreams and the psyche - Baku; his doll sized helper is Lilynette - Hoshikawa

Orihime: good fortune, happiness, beauty - Kisshōten

Urahara: cunning, sorcery, medicine, self realization- Okuninushi

Kira: God of mercy, forgiveness - Kannon (traditionally female in myth)

Yes, there is incest happening in this family of gods. Aizen and Ichigo (brothers) together as well as Kira and Gin (son and father). To be fair a LOT of pantheons do this.

Lastly, Bakaret is Harry Potter whom Sylphine and Castor have been raising since Dumbledork left him on the Dursely's porch.

So, whaddya guys think? Good? Bad? Confusing? Lemme know. Reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out!


	4. Karma's a B

Sup! Here's another interlude chronicling Sylphine's trek across the multiverse in search of her baby boy. It's taken so long because I had to decide what fandom would suffer her wrath next. Then it hit me: Fullmetal Alchemist.

To be fair, these interludes serve to knit my Reality of Chaos side stories together as well as show how these principles could be applied to almost any work of fiction. In fact so far I have over 10 that could tie into this directly or tangentially. The resulting swirl of entropic madness may or may not yield some of, all of, or more than the following 'eagerly' inquiring JUST WHAT THE FUCKING DEAL IS:

The Marvel Universe: Hands Off

The DC Universe: Parallels

Every fairytale being Disney either got totally wrong or lied out their ass about: Once Upon a Time in Everlie

An entire realm of ghosts: The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

A group of retro Scottish natives and the people assisting them adjust to temporal shift induced culture shock: Facade

A wholly different take on the afterlife complete with transforming swords: Megalomaniac

A group of mostly deluded but still powerful wizards and witches: Idiotproof is Highly Suspect Terminology

A gaggle of pretty soldiers in sailor suits with varying celestial abilities, lead by a crybaby who will jack you up if shit gets real. And the guy with access to kickass armour, a sword he knows how to use and psychic powers but chooses to fight evil in a flimsy tux and magic roses: n/a so far

A bevy of brawlers spanning multiple races and origins; several of which are prone to spontaneously rockin blue eyes and long blond hair if pissed: n/a so far

A young wild horse and the interesting times in which he lives: n/a so far but referenced in Hands Off

A pirate in yellow submarine and his bombastic (insane) group of frenemies: n/a so far

Two brothers and their angel buddy who seriously just want to know WTF...so they can gank it: n/a but referenced in several stories

A quirky info broker with a creepy fascination with humans and a debt collector with rage issues who really just can't even right now: n/a

Two genius brothers who just wanted to fix a mistake...that never would have happened if an anthropomorphic white blob hadn't been a lazy asshole: n/a but totally the point of this interlude.

Curiosity peeked? Onward!

*I2*

To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.

After it's world came into being, the entity known as Truth looked around at it's brethren across the multiverse...And said nope.

Spending eternity as a glorified babysitter to the insects he created that at any moment could destroy their own reality if he didn't pay close enough attention sounded as amusing as a hole in the head. So, Truth set forth to make it's own rules within the rules. Remove the need to have chaos mages by making the chance of such screw ups virtually impossible. Give them all equal access to the cosmic energy and make the taboo price so steep few would dare break it and even fewer would survive the cost. Make himself known to those dumb enough to try. And equivalent exchange would do the rest.

Things rolled on pretty smoothly. Until...

Van Hohenheim and Dante came in like a wrecking ball hellbent on changing the natural order Truth so carefully set in motion. These two dunderheads wanted to live forever when they had no right to, deciding mass genocide and swapping bodies like underwear was the way to do it. Even after the whole unpleasant side effect of their shiny new meat suits beginning to rot away from the inside out. The change happening faster with each body they stole. The pair having no understanding that the human body was not meant to handle the power of the Philosopher's stone- thus why homunculi could never be human in the first place. That the creatures' sanity deteriorated the longer they existed; if you could call the torture of memories and longings belonging to the dead person you were meant to be but never would sanity in the first place. That that damn stone was never meant to exist but thanks to that pair it did.

Then along came Edward Elric and by association his brother Alphonse. Unlike every other before them that tried human transmutation and failed, they not only set about fixing their mistake and doing some good along the way, the pair was willing to give up their chance once they learned the true cost of the stone they sought for 3 years. It wasn't worth the cost. And they actively tried to destroy it. The elder willing to sacrifice the thing that made him unique for to restore the younger to normal. Two children had a better grasp of the workings of the universe than a man and woman centuries old. There was just something about the two, their compulsion to set things right no matter what amused and confused Truth. He knew Ed would offer his Gate for his brother's body So, he was going to cut them a break or sorts; throw in his arm and leg for free..

Then this shit happened.

"Great. Back here again." Edward sighed. To be fair the Gate of Truth is where he wanted to be for this to work but still, he hated that featureless jackass as much as the bovine mammary secretions it reminded him of.

"GET YOUR LILY WHITE ASS BACK HERE!"

That...wasn't Truth. It was fair too feminine, too high pitched and too cheesed off.

"GAH! I told you I can't do it!"

That was it. Though a lot less haughty and put together than usual. Ed looked around until he saw the familiar deity booking it across the white abyss like it's metaphysical ass was on fire. Hot on it's heels a small (shorter than him!) girl, dressed like a Xingese warrior and armed with folding fans? That's not important. What was important were the bolts of lightning she was shooting off with them.

"Be reasonable child! Even if I wanted to help you, my world works differently than yours! I cannot open the gate without being paid a toll!"

"If you wanted to?!" she girl roared. "IF YOU WANTED TO?! I never asked to be here you freak, someone threw me here! How's about you open that gate and I don't make you shoot electricity out of your ass!? How's THAT for payment?!"

"What is going on? Al!" Ed's scan had completely missed the emaciated body propped up against the stone gate, being too distracted by whatever was happening off in the distance. It was only his soulless shell but still, he was right there! This had to work. Seeing him again was too painful for it not to.

The sound of a body hitting the ground then being stomped on like no tomorrow once again drew his attention back to the weirdness. Truth was splayed out face(?) down with the strange girl bouncing on it's back like a trampoline. Though Ed was fairly certain it didn't enjoy it at all as the girl seemed intent on breaking it's back The deity wailing pitifully all the way. This girl...how could she possible force something like Truth to beg for mercy?

"I give!" Truth hollered. "I give!"

"Then send me on my way!" The girl allowed the deity to stand. Her arms crossed over her chest expectantly.

"I CAN"T. Not without being paid a toll. Equivalent Exchange prevents me from just conjuring things without something in recompense." Seeing her left eye began to twitch, the Keeper held up it's arms in defense before hastily continuing. "You're not mortal! Your energy could do it though you might be weaker for some time once you pass. Or you could use him." The being thumbed back at Ed.

For a moment, she didn't seem to have heard the response. Standing completely still and just blinking at the blonde. Then her gaze drifted to Alphonse's body What was she thinking? Holy shit! Was she considering using them to pay her toll? She continued to just stare at the brothers, making all present uneasy. Especially when Ed noticed a growing spark of abject horror alight in her eyes. Her blank expression gave way to one of disgust and anger.

Truth tried to back up.

CRUNCH!

"You dipshit." came the cold reply. Truth now stood clutching it's face(?), blood trickling between its fingers. Ed couldn't help but have mixed feelings about the whole thing. On one hand she'd refused an offer to use them as cannon fodder, drawn her arm back and struck like a piston to make the prickliest thorn in his side bleed like a waterfall. On the other hand she had made Truth bleed- what was she to do that to a god like entity? Have it so terrified and be able to injure it at all?

"Will you stop that?!"

"You monster. You're no better than Vishnu; thinking it's perfectly acceptable to break the rules to suit your fucked up whims." Her voice remained level, only her glowing golden eyes betraying her fury. "You don't even FEEL it do you?"

"..."

Again with the staring, this time at Truth itself. Who despite having no face, managed to look ashamed with the girl's gaze boring into it like a laser. Until she sighed and buried her face in her small hands.

"You don't nor have no idea what to do about it. Outstanding." she groaned. "Why am I always cleaning up the messes caused by my aunts and uncles? I really thought you all were supposed to be sage and crap. Aside from Mama, Uncle Ebedi and Auntie Aurii, you all seem to be morons. There's a difference between bad luck a bass ackward logic you know that right?"

"Get off your high horse girl. You've no idea what you're talking about, you're just a mage-"

"Who, at present, could whoop your ass. By myself. Doesn't that seem a bit unbalanced to you?" Her stare was flat. "You've screwed with the way things are supposed to be so much, Affinity balanced things out the best way it could to keep this reality from cracking like a china plate. At least that shows you're slightly smarter than Vishnu. You traded your real power for whatever half baked version of order this is. Equivalent exchange is just another term for it. So, how's that workin for ya?"

"If you're so much smarter and more powerful than me, why don't you figure out how to leave?" Truth's tone was bitter with a sharp sting.

"I already have. And as a bonus, I'm gonna help you out of this mess."

"Or, you need to fix what's wrong so you can be on your way."

"To-may-to, to-mah-to. Don't be more of a dick."

By this time, Ed was certain he'd either had a stroke, was hallucinating, dead or something of the like. Words had officially lost any meaning. What the hell was going on?! The fact that both were now looking at him made him realize he'd shouted that last bit. Now (more) uncomfortable, he shifted around on his feet nervously.

"It's your lucky day Mr. Al-che-mist. My...guest may just be able to get you out of this with no toll." There was the smarmy condescending bastard Major Elric hated so much. It might have looked more imposing if not for the river of red running down its front.

"Stop trying to save face. You've lost all credibility, shut up." The girl shook her head, then flashed an angelic smile at the braided blonde. "What Truth meant to say was all the shit I'm sure you two've been through has given you so much karma credit it's ridiculous. And because he fucked up, the cosmic balance has put you on a pretty rough path to being where you truly belong. I'm Sylphine. Though the circumstances could be better, it's nice ta meetcha cuz!"

WHAT?!

*I2*

Far away, in the last reality the Goddess of the Storm had visited, sat a frazzled blonde desperately trying to appear as if everything was alright to those around him as he sipped tea poured for him by a small pigtailed girl. Sitting across from him, his younger brother not buying it for a second.

"You are aware that once our sweet little cousin realizes you derailed her to a reality that poses issues for those wishing to exit when her goal is simply to find her stolen child, she will at some point return here to violently castrate you and hand you your testicles in a jar yes, Onikunishi?" the brunette drawled.

The only response he received was the thump of a head making contact with wood and a loud groan from his elder brother.

"Please go away, Enma."

"Oh no. I intend to stay nearby to have a front row seat for that."

*I2*

Yup. Truth is the guardian of the Fullmetal Alchemist world. Meaning Ed and Al were supposed to be it's mages. Even though Truth tried to avoid creating them, the Affinity decided their existence was inevitable. One way or the other. Hence Truth not really recognizing them for what they were and perfectly okay with throwing the brothers under the bus..

Despite it all, Sylphine is still the same super sweet person from "The Road To Hell is Paved with Good Intentions"; willing to give her all to help even though she could avoid all the hassle it puts her through. It just so happens this time it's mutually beneficial and not just out of the kindness of her heart. And considering the situation with her missing son, it's a given her patience has become a rare comodity :P

Almost makes you pity Truth and Onikunishi. Almost.

Shameless Self Promotion:

This chapter has spawned another RoC fic "Equivalence is Relative" set in the FMA reality. Like the anime (2003 version is what I know besr) there'll be humor but I intend it as a more serious look at elements of how that world works.

Love it? Hate it? Complete indifference? Reviews are like hugs! Sirensoundwave out!


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